Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 01:02:34 -0500 (EST)
From: iac <iac@tangle.org>
To: urusei-yatsura@panda.com
Subject: hen-na hen-na yume

I was sort of taking a nap today because I was completely tired out, and I had the weirdest dream all about Urusei Yatsura. Well, sort of. See, in the dream, Shinobu called me up and said that the gang was making a movie under the direction of Megane and Ozuno Tsubame, in English with Japanese subtitles, and she had a part in it -- the girl with the bells. Did I want to come to the first screening?
So of course I said "Lead me to it," and she told me it was at seven o'clock at the Michigan Theater, and to be sure to bring back Mr. Ozuno's SailorUhura fanbook. (Look, it made perfect sense at the time...) Well, I showed up at 7:00, and Ran dropped into the seat next to me, hissing. "Ah, is something wrong?" I asked.
Ran told me, doing her burikko image, that she had been intended to play the heroine in the movie, with Rei as her lovesick young swain. Then Mr. Ozuno had gotten angry when Rei flubbed his lines and acted like a stick for the umpteenth time, and fired him on the spot. Inaba, apparently, had been on the set, and Megane had told him to play the hero. (Reading between the lines, it seemed that Inaba had been picture-perfect the whole time). Ran had announced that unless she had Rei as hero, she walked. Mr. Ozuno had said, "Fine, then, walk!" and gotten her understudy Shinobu to do the part. And Shinobu was simply nowhere near as good as Ran would have been in the part.
"It's all Lum's fault," Ran finished, causing me to choke on my junior mints.
"Whatever you say," I answered. I'm *not* arguing with anyone who has more grenades than Minnie-May stashed on her person somewhere, thank you very much.
Then Rei arrived, arms loaded with snacks, and I took the opportunity to move to another seat. At least I must have, because I was certainly sitting next to Shinobu and Inaba instead when the movie began. Ran was right. Shinobu was imitating Ran's sweetness-and-light brainless act all through the movie... but I'm getting ahead of myself. The movie opened. A street in Heian-kyou. Three houses, the center one draped with some sort of very large dust sheet. People passing back and forth in Heian-era clothing. Ozuno Tsubame stepped into the foreground. He said: "Playgoers, I bid you welcome. The theater is a temple (subtitle: jinja), and we are here to worship the gods of comedy and tragedy. Tonight, I am pleased to announce a comedy! We shall employ every device we know in our desire to divert you." All through his speech, I kept whispering "No. *No*. It can't be!" Then he began to sing. It was, and I burst out laughing. Familiar, *yes*. Peculiar, *YES*. (I mean, Heian-era Ancient Rome?) And it was absolutely wonderful.

The plot was simple (sort of). Ataru and his wife Lum were leaving to go visit her mother, leaving their son (!?) Inaba under the care of his slave Tsubame and their slave Megane. (Megane, to Lum: "I live to grovel." A little later: Lum: "... He is to keep him cheerful, well-fed, and away from the opposite sex." Ataru: "My dear, the boy has to learn sometime." Lum: "And when that time comes, *you* shall tell him... " Ataru: "Yes, dear!" Lum: "What little you know." Shortly afterwards, when Lum is off-screen, Ataru confides: "Never fall in love during a total eclipse.")
As soon as they're gone, Inaba confesses to Tsubame that he is in love with a girl in the house of Jariten ("a buyer and seller of the flesh of beautiful women. That's for those of you who have absolutely no interest in pirates.") He promises Tsubame his freedom if he can only get Inaba that one girl (obviously enough, Shinobu).
Tsubame and Inaba enter Ten's house under false pretenses (i.e., that Tsubame is free and looking to buy a wife) and take a look at the merchandise, which includes Kaede ("with the face of an idol, the arms of a willow tree, and the pelvis of a camel"), Kurama ("for the man whose interest is *wildlife*!"), the twins (Benten and Ryuunosuke, Ryuu-chan wearing an extra outfit of Benten's and a plaited leather strip instead of a chain; funny, you'd have thought Oyuki would have been marketed as Benten's twin), Oyuki ("with a face that holds a thousand promises and a body that stands behind each promise"), and finally Sakura -- "a giant stage on which a thousand dramas can be played." Tsubame, of course, is completely captivated by Sakura in her white kimono and red hakama (none of the other girls were really wearing Heian dress either) but Inaba more or less drags him off her. Finally they catch a glimpse of Shinobu behind the curtain, and Ten tells them that that's just a virgin, newly arrived from Crete, who has just been sold to the great captain Mendou Shuutarou. Tsubame most unwillingly informs Ten that a terrible deathly plague involving smiling is going around Crete.
Tsubame: "I am told it is lovely now in Crete. Everyone lying there, smiling."
Ten: "Is it contagious?"
Tsubame: "Did you ever see a plague that wasn't?"
Out of the kindness of his heart, Tsubame offers to take Shinobu over to Inaba's house to avoid infecting the other ladies. No sooner said than done, and he forces Megane to cooperate by threatening to tell Lum that her chief slave has the most astonishing collection of erotic pottery... Unfortunately, Shinobu, being virgo intacta piaque, refuses to run off with Inaba and break her contract.
Inaba: "For us there will never be happiness."
Shinobu: "We'll have to learn to be happy without it."
Ran would have done it so much better...
Anyway, Inaba goes off to get ingredients for one of those Romeo-and-Juliet sleep-of-death potions to give to Shinobu so he can sneak her away, and Ataru comes home to repair Lum's bust (one of those statue things, you idiot!) which had fallen out of the cart and broken its cute little nose off. Due to a misunderstanding, Shinobu believes Ataru is her captain and flings herself into his arms, declaiming, "Take me! My body is yours! Is this not what you want?"
Ataru: "It *does* cross my mind now and then." (understatement of the century)
Shinobu: "You must know one thing."
Ataru (warily): "What is that?"
Shinobu: "Though you have my body, you shall never have my heart."
Ataru (cheerfully): "Well, you can't have everything."
Fortunately, Tsubame soon enters, and Ataru un-glomphs off of Shinobu, Shinobu goes back in the house, and Tsubame informs his master's father that Shinobu is the new maid. He also manages to persuade Ataru to take a bath first, after Ataru announces that since his good friend Onsen-Mark left his house vacant for twenty years while searching for his children ("stolen in infancy by *pirates*"), now would be a good time to inspect it in the company of a new maid. Ataru goes into Onsen-Mark's house to take said bath. Just then Onsen-Mark *returns*. Noting the sound of Ataru singing to himself in the bath, he asks what that sound is: it sounds as if it's haunted. A very shaken Megane announces, "Sir, your house is haunted." Tsubame, having just come out from Ataru's house, pulls a cloth over his head, and masquerades as the soothsayer Onsen has just called for. He tells Onsen, on being shown the ring with seven geese on it that both Onsen's long-lost children wear copies of, that the poor guy must run seven times around the seven hills of Rome. Then Ten manages to get Tsubame to pretend to be *him*, transfers the girls to Ataru's house, and heads for the hills (with reason). Mendou shows up, quite prepared to kill Tsubame/Jariten at once if the virgin is not ready that instant.
Mendou: "I, in war the most admired,/ In wit the most inspired,/ In love the most desired,/ In dress the best displayed,/ I am a parade!"
Tsubame manages to put Mendou off for a bit by inviting him inside and holding a sit-down orgy for fourteen. He also fends off Sakura's mother by sticking her in a room and telling her he'll knock three times, discourages Perm from chasing Sakura by pointing to the door of the same room and telling him "Knock three times and she's yours."
Perm: <knock, knock, knock> <vhoosh!>, and manages to tell Ataru that the maid is in the *same* room, knock three times.
Ataru: "But what about my passion potion?" (which Megane is preparing)
Tsubame: "Start without it. I'll send you along."
Meanwhile, Ten has run into Kintaro, who has just returned from Crete, where there is (surprise, surprise) no plague. Ten dashes back, and tries repeatedly to gain access to Lum's house (no luck). Ataru comes out of the room with a sort of breathless, hunted look about him.
"Wrong maid," he comments. Meanwhile, Lum herself comes home, overawes the guards (Chibi and Kakugari) *drinks* the passion potion by mistake, and, when Megane tells her that a military captain is within, enters to greet him.
Mendou: "You are of this house?"
Lum: "For years and years. You know, Captain," (letting the outermost of her elaborate robes slip off one shoulder), "my father was General
Dominus Magnus."
Mendou: (o-yakusoku pose)
Lum: "On the last anniversary of his death, I entertained over two hundred soldiers."
Mendou: "By yourself?"
Lum: "Of course not. Hysterium here was a big help."(Megane puffs up with pride, then realizes [considering he's supposed to be Ten's eunuch] just *how* that statement's likely to be construed and tries to sink through the floor).
Shinobu takes a good look at Mendou and announces she will *not* go with him, he raped her last homeland but one (Thrace). "And then he came back and did it again. And again!"
Now all they need is a very good reason for Mendou to clear off without burning the house down, killing Tsubame, or getting seduced by the temporarily irrational Lum. If they showed him the virgin's body, he'd *probably* leave.
Tsubame: "There's Gusto, the body snatcher. He owes me a favor..."
Megane: "Good."
Tsubame: "No, that's no good. He died this morning."
Megane: "What about his body?"
Tsubame: "Someone snatched it."
Megane: "Drat." (subtitle: shimatta)
Tsubame: "Now who do we know who's dead?"
Megane: "I wish *I* was."
Tsubame: o_o @_@

Lum heads upstairs, and by chance heads into the room where Ataru had agreed to meet Shinobu. Ataru enters. She promptly glomphs onto him. Ataru drinks the sleeping potion Shinobu doesn't need now, mistaking it for the passion potion. Ten finally comes up with a workable ruse: he climbs inside a large Elle dummy and sweet-talks the guards. Tsubame announces to Chibi and Kakugari that the virgin is dead, and shows them Megane (complete with orange bridal veil). They run down and tell Mendou. Inaba shows up again and asks a very shaken Perm what all the commotion is about.
Perm: "The virgin is dead."
Inaba: "Then I shall kill myself. Receive, o bosom, this fatal dagger!"
Perm: "You can't kill yourself *here*. Your mother wouldn't like it."
Inaba (after eliminating a few more alternatives): "Then I shall throw myself to the lions." He rushes off in the direction of the amphitheater. Meanwhile, Mendou is sadly contemplating Megane, decked out with veil, flowers, and Onsen-Mark's gaggle ring. "How did she die?" he asks.
Tsubame: "It was her first sight of you. It was too much for her."
Mendou: "Like a moth to the flame."
(A little later, after Tsubame has gone to arrange for mourners):
Mendou: "Poor young girl. To have died so young, without ever having experienced... me."
As the courtesans hastily don white and yellow robes of mourning, Shinobu asks Perm if he has seen Inaba. On hearing Inaba's intention, she immediately heads for the temple of the Tiamat cultists, to offer herself as one of their virgin sacrifices. Lum shakes Ataru and tries electroshock therapy on him, to no avail. Everyone assembles outside and holds a funeral. Mendou orders that the virgin be burnt. Tsubame talks him out of it. Then Mendou demands a farewell kiss. Tsubame warns him that actually, the virgin died of the Cretan plague.
General pandemonium. The girls run all over screaming. Tsubame fans the flames.
Mendou: "There is no plague!"
Tsubame: "What?"
Mendou: "I have returned this day from Crete, and there is no plague."
Tsubame: "Then what was everyone yelling about?"
Ten as Elle sneaks up to Mendou and announces that the virgin does not have the plague. Mendou responds that he knows, it was from other causes. he then attempts to cut out the "virgin's" heart. This is too much for Megane, and he runs off. Everyone starts running in different directions, chasing somebody or other.
Megane runs into Ataru, who has a hunted look on his face. Ataru tells Megane to meet him in Onsen-Mark's house with a little meal. Megane ducks back into Lum's house as Ataru goes to his assignation. He comes out and runs into Tsubame, who orders him to get the contract. At this point Sakura tells Tsubame through the use of sign language where our young hero and heroine have got to, and the two run off after them. Lum comes out, dressed in fancy clothes and a flame-colored veil, swearing that if it's a pretty face her husband wants... Tsubame throws a clump of dirt back at her (thinking she's Megane). Lum swings around and bzapps Ten. She chases him off.
Fortunately, there were no lions at the amphitheater that day. Instead, Inaba has lined up in a row of slaves for a gladiator (the torture-club guy) to practice killing, as directed by the principal. Tsubame and Sakura sneak in, and Tsubame yanks Inaba out of the way just in time, causing the torture guy to brain the principal. Tsubame tells Inaba of Shinobu's predicament and Our Hero runs off to save her. The torture-club guy turns on Tsubame and is about to kill him when Sakura does one of her specials on him. The two dash out and grab a chariot.
Back at the house, the girls have been doing some quick dashing back-and-forth. The soldiers grab a figure in a flame-colored veil.
Mendou: "My virgin!"
(Raising veil) Lum: "I am not anybody's virgin!" <BZAPPP>
Mendou: "You made that more than clear when last we met!" He and the soldiers run off in one direction. Lum runs off in the other.
The Tiamat cultists are apparently led by none other than Mendou Ryouko. They have dressed Shinobu in bridal clothes. As Ryouko raises the wakizashi or kodachi, as the case may be (what's the difference, anyway?) the end of a kimono drops in front of Shinobu's face. Shinobu looks up to the hole in the roof and sees that Inaba is holding the other end. She politely apologizes to Ryouko, and is told that if she is her true love of course she must go to him. Shinobu climbs up the kimono and embraces Inaba.
Ryouko: "Bring on the next sacrifice!"
Back at the house, Megane has come out again and is being chased by Ataru. After a silly chase, owing to some manuevering by Benten and Ryuu, Ataru glomphs onto the figure in the flame-colored veil.
"Darling, you saw through my disguise!"
Meanwhile, Inaba, Shinobu, Sakura, Tsubame, Megane, Mendou, and the soldiers are participating in the world's funniest chariot chase. This is impossible to describe. Highlights: The chariots race past Onsen-Mark on his sixth lap, who comments "Finest climate in the world," and then runs into a tree.
The Dappya at the threshing mill.
Completely against his wishes, Tsubame is now sharing his chariot with Megane, while Sakura is struggling in Perm's chariot. Cherry pops up and goes, "This is fate!" And then, Sakura's chariot being totally out of control as the two people struggle within... it smashes into Cherry. The chase ends in the world's biggest pileup, and everyone is dragged back to the house to face Mendou Shuutarou. He approaches Megane and announces, "Though you fled from me, I will be generous." At this point Onsen-Mark recognizes the ring and shouts "My daughter!"
Megane: "I'm not your daughter! And I'M NOT A VIRGIN!"
Onsen-Mark: "Those filthy pirates!"
Megane: "I'm not your daughter. I'm.. uh.. an Etruscan dancer."
Onsen-Mark: "But the ring.."
Ataru starts snatching at Megane too. In the confusion, his wig falls off.
Ataru: "Hysterium!"
Mendou: "The eunuch!"
Onsen-Mark: "My daughter, a eunuch?"
Lum starts yelling at everyone, and Ten, twisting out of Kakugari's arms, climbs out of the dummy.
Kakugari: "Who did that to you? I'll have his head!" Ten announces his identity, and points out Shinobu as the real virgin. Mendou lifts her veil, and pronounces her worth the wait. Onsen-Mark complains that he doesn't understand at *all*, what about the ring with the gaggle of geese?
Mendou (extending his hand, complete with ring): "Like this?"
Onsen-Mark: "My son!"
Mendou: "Father!"
Onsen-Mark: "How you've grown!" (They embrace)
Shinobu (showing ring on chain around her neck): "Are these many geese a gaggle?"
Onsen-Mark: "How long have you had that?"
Shinobu: "I've had this since... I don't remember when I've had this since."
Onsen-Mark: "My daughter!"
Mendou: "My.. sister?!"
At this point, Tsubame points out that since Shinobu was freeborn, Ten faces frightful penalties. But, since Ten chooses to honor the occasion of Tsubame's manumission with the present of a wife who is as beautiful as she is silent (here Sakura elbowed him) and two thousand minae, he recommended leniency.
All that was left of the movie now was the closing song, with its hysterical lines ("Father and mother / Get one another,"/ Lum: "Something for everyone"/ Ataru: "A tragedy tonight!" Mendou: "I get the twins:/ They get the best" and both girls drive their elbows into his sides at the same time) and the credits. Everyone in the theater was yelling and clapping. (Well, wouldn't *you* have been?) Then Ran jumped up, screaming retribution. She was about to throw something when my alarm went off an woke me up.

Are you sure nobody else has cool dreams like this? There's got to be *somebody*.

Sincerely,
Luriko-Ysabeth
hon otaku
Sosai/Pooh-Bah for life of the Washuu-sensei Rules Club
mild itinericula
member of the #SkAS#

"Ch'est lui! Ch'est lui! Ch'est lui le guerrier a qui j'ai donne le bouclier!"
--Alambix, Le Bouclier Arverne

"But I claim there will be some who remember us when we are gone."
--Sappho of Mytilene